Where did I go wrong?

This is a question I keep asking myself, and unfortunately, I'm not sure what the correct answer is.

It could be that I moved back in to my parents house after college, or maybe the fact I invested in a house hours from where I work so I can't live there full time. Whatever the reason is, somewhere things got truly messed up.

The other day I was filling something out for a casting call, and it asked when the last time I was on a date. Do you know that I couldn't even remember?

While this makes me sad, and beyond embarrassed, it doesn't make me upset enough to do something about it.

I won't join an online dating site or enlist the help of a professional matchmaker. Heck, I won't even go to more events as a potential way of meeting prospects.

Why?

Because rejection hurts worse than status quo.

I know how a night at a charity event ends -- me seeing someone cute, them ignoring me, or ditching my business card in the nearest trash can.

That, is more upsetting than just not having anyone to start with.

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New Year's Eve

My favorite holiday, by far, has always been New Year's Eve. But, this year, it's likely to be my least favorite.

None of my single friends want to do anything, and all of my married friends already have plans -- that do not include me.
In the past, I've had people over my house, did the whole Times Square thing and more. Maybe I should just book a flight to Vegas or AC and gamble all night.

The sad part is not that I don't have plans. The sad part is that I have no friends to do anything with.

I'm not really sure how I ended up like this. It's got to be me, but I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong.

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Birthdays

Today is mine.

And, it sucks.

I'm working a 12 hour day that I'm not getting totally compensated for, and I will likely celebrate by having a glass of wine by myself in a random New York bar on my way to the train.

Lovely.

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Labor Day Weekend

What a joke my life is. It's Labor Day weekend. I've been without a car for two months, I'm sitting on my couch alone and contemplating what I reall have to live for.

Seriously.

I used to hike, bike, walk, shop, drink, be social. Now, I sit in my house.

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Conference Hookups

I go to a good amount of conferences. I almost never hook up at one. If there was an ERA for this like there is for pitchers in baseball, I would be kicked off the team.

Not sure if this is a badge of honor, or a prime example of how I'm just not pretty.

I've been to ones in Vegas, Orlando, New York, Denver, Portland....it really doesn't matter the place.

Conferences are breeding grounds for meaningless hookups, one night stands and instant connections. Maybe I put out a vibe that says, 'I know you're married with a daughter my age and it's because of people you that I don't want to get married?'

I don't know.

Don't get me wrong, I have a good time at these things usually, but it's never like the stories I hear from others.

Actually, I guess I lied. There was one time, where it was pretty close to those other stories you hear.
From the moment I saw Luke during a VIP foodie event in Vegas I thought he was hot. Wayyy out of my league. He kept looking at me, too, but made no attempt to talk with me. Toward the end of the night I heard him say something about a girlfriend.

Oh well. That was that.

The next day, after finishing an educational session, I stopped at this live cooking event and sat next to my friend. Luke was hosting. I looked up at the stage and he was staring at me while he was talking. And, he kept looking at me.

I smiled and kinda laughed to myself, because of course he likely wasn't looking at me, I'm sure it was my friend or the person behind me that caught his attention.

That night we went to another invite-only party and I knew there would be a good chance he would be there. I had such a great day catching up with my friend, drinking champagne and shopping for new shoes that my confidence level was through the roof.

We were the first to arrive at the bar because there was a delay at the place everyone else had gone earlier, but we skipped.

Luke walks into the lounge, plops himself right next to me completely interrupting my previous conversation and begins engaging me in a conversation -- telling me how's wanted to get a chance to talk with me.
That led to him getting very cozy on the bar's couch with me, his arm gently placed around my waist and shoulders, photos taken together and at one point showing me a photo of his room number.

(That was how when he got drunk, he remembered where he was staying-actually very clever move I now use even when I'm not drinking because I usually can't remember ...even before I've taken a sip of alcohol)

Luke was a producer/manager/musician/humanitarian wanna-be who loved his family, especially his grandmother who has recently passed away. I heard all about her during our conversation. It was actually kind of sweet.

It was time for us to go to another party. He gave me his card and his number. I gave him mine.

About an hour later my friend, who couldn't stop telling me how 'into you' he is, talked me into texting him.
That led to hours of flirting over our Blackberries and eventually put him inches away from my room. All I had to do was give him the actual room number. He already knew the floor.

I chickened out & never gave him it.

But this scenario leads to several questions.

- Did I just 'look easy' so he figured it would be an easy hookup?
- Did my soaring confidence level play a part in coming across attractive to him? Because trust me there were plenty of hot girls looking for his attention.
- He was surprisingly smart. Were the things I was talking about impress him/peek his interest?

I'm writing this now, because I'm going to a conference later this week. Granted, the majority of the people will be women, but there will be male PR reps, vendors and others there.

Oh, and remember that girlfriend I overheard him talking about to a mom-type who was hitting on him after a few drinks that first night? Apparently, they were together for 7 years and things weren't going well anymore. She moved out a few months after that conference.

(For those wondering, we still follow each other on Twitter, and run in some of the same social networking circles)

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No, Nope, Nada

I wen to go get my hair highlighted and cut today. The woman who owns the place is a feisty, amazingly funny person, who I've come to know pretty well.

Today, however, I felt like a looser.

Her: 'So, any guys in your life?'
Me: 'No.'
Her: 'No? Not at all.'
Me: 'Nope, I'm always working'
Her: 'Well, you go out for drinks after work and stuff, right?'
Me: 'No, not really. I leave work and go home because I have more work to do.'
Her: 'Hmmm.'

A little while later.

Her: 'Been to any concerts?'
Me: 'Nope. I never have time, or the money these days.'

Later on.

Her: 'What are you doing the rest of the day?'
Me: 'Maybe kayak. I don't know. Nothing really planned.'

It's 643pm on a Saturday night and I'm going to WalMart with my Dad to pick up stuff for dinner.

Not really sure when I went from spending more time out in bars and concerts to my phone not making a peep on a Saturday night... Or any night for that matter.
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'You're Not Sad, You're Depressed'

I guess if I'm going to truly write this, I need to add in one small detail. OK, maybe big detail - I am depressed.

Not depressed because no body hits on my when I go out or because I'm having a bad day. I am 'clinically depressed' -- whatever that means.

I've gone through counselor after doctor after psychologist who always put my 'depression' off to other thing: a bad job, a bad breakup, anxiety... You get the picture. This was until last year, when I once again tried another new doctor's office.

While I ended up hating the office and the doctors there (maybe it's part of the depression) after the second visit and numerous questions about my life, 'death wishes,' job issues, not being able to get out of bed, personal feelings about thing, she told me I was clinically depressed.

Great.

So what does that mean?

It meant for the first time in my life trying an antidepressant. I already take a pill as needed for anxiety that my general doctor gave me. I've always been totally against this option, even though it has been brought up many times before.

I was on it (I can't even remember the name) for about 3 months, felt great, blew up like a balloon, then felt even more miserable and then decided to take myself off it. Needless to say, I didn't go back to that doctor.


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'You Know Who You Have to Meet...'

The other day I was at lunch with several new co-workers and they were asking if anyone had a 'significant other.' Surprisingly, only one of us did, and she's been married for a number of years.

Five minutes later one of the girls at the table had the other three people with us already hooked up with friends who she wanted set them up with on a date.
Other than the married girl, I was the only one she didn't mention fixing up.

I've really only been fixed up one in my life. It was the summer after high school and before college. It actually last two years before we broke up.

I guess I'm not blind date material. I always thing if some guy saw me as his blind date, he'd either be disappointed or just not walk in.

How do you arrange a blind date? What qualities do you look for in both people?
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Tech Drunk Fest

Last week I went to a party that was supposed to be a networking event for techie types. It was so awful that I'm not even sure where to begin. It was actually the final straw that led to me writing this blog.

My friend and I got our drinks and headed to the crowded outside area where we could actually hear each other over the loud music that was blaring inside. It wasn't shoulder-to-shoulder, but it was close enough that I must have gotten bumped into at least 10 times in the first 5 minutes we were standing there.

We started talking to each other, while also scanning the faces to see if anyone would make eye contact, exactly who was there that we should talk to and get a lay of the land, as they say. Not one person made eye contact back. Another male friend we knew was going to be there did found us, said hello and then went back to hitting the girl he was trying to hook up with. to his credit, in between girls, he did come back to us and say hello.

Networking event....not speed dating event...is all I kept thinking.

So we continue to look around the room, grab another drink, etc. Still .... nothing. We bump into someone we met the week before, who while talking to us continues to look around the outdoor area at every girl walking past. Can you say, rude?

Paul introduces us to a designer-type who works for a very well-known newspaper. That guy, who, might I add, was not attractive at all, engaged us in some pity conversation then grabbed a female friend of his who he said we absolutely had to meet and then ended up ditching us for her within minutes.

A few minutes later, Paul calls over an overweight, again not very attractive man wearing silver sneakers and introduces us. You know the first words out of his mouth? He tells us how the girl he was just talking to broke his heart when she kept mentioning her boyfriend.

Really? That's your conversation starter?

He then proceeds to tell us that he has a web TV show about .... relationships. Yeah, apparently he's a long-time relationship coach/expert who in his spare time goes on casting calls.What a winner.

Although all those interactions were rude, I think the most obnoxious thing was the event photographer. He continued to take pictures of people all around us, except us. At one point I even caught his eye and he just looked away.

Now, people, this is a tech party -- it's swarming with males. As my friend said, "the odds should be in our favor."  I guess I should also add, I'm very conscious of the signs that could make you look unapproachable -- arms crossed, leaning against something, standing next to someone and not in front of them to make it more welcoming.

Let me also clarify, we did not go there with the intention of meeting a guy. We are both professionals who are looking to make contacts to further our careers -- but, no one even talked to us about that. Could we have gone and talked to other people. Maybe. But, literally everyone seemed to be talking to someone else.

All this night did was further my credit card debt.

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A Little About "The Girl Who Never Gets Hit On"

They say a girl can get anything she wants -- a date, drinks bought for her, out of a speeding ticket, sex. Reading magazines like Cosmo and watching "Sex In the City" make it seem so easy.

Well, you know what, it's not.

I go out a lot -- to networking events, with friends and even alone sometimes -- and nine out of 10 times, I do not get hit on the way people make it seem. I've been asked to get out of a picture, I've been ignored, I've been used to get to another friend...I was even told once, "sorry, no I really want her number, I don't care about yours."

Sometimes I feel like I'm a character in a movie to the point where I think I should take acting lessons and really go be that looser friend to the hot chick in the movies. The night usually ends up with me getting annoyed and texting my best friend telling her how worthless I am, and there has to be something wrong with me.

Here's the catch -- I may not be a size zero, 6-foot-tall blonde, but I also haven't exactly been beaten with the ugly stick. However, considering the way I get treated, I might as well be.

After a networking event in New York City this past week and a whole weeks worth of them the week before that, I got the idea to write this, because a) the stuff that happens is so unbelievable that someone should record it, b) it's good therapy for me c) I'm hoping there are other people out there experiencing this and d) this would make a great book, but I'm not going to wait for a publisher to offer me a deal -- I just want to start writing.

A few rules, everything I write here will be based on what I have experienced/experience or observed/observe, however details like names and locations may be changed, because I do have a career to manage and I don't want to piss off everyone in the world.

Oh, and please don't think this is just a form of bitching. This is really a topic that appeals to me and I think of it more like a reflection of society and a place to talk about this subject openly. 

I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. And, if you don't -- you are probably either a model type who has never experienced this type of outcasting before, or are one of the idiot men I'm likely writing about.

:)